RECOVERY STORY OF THE MONTH
My name is Becky, and I’m an alcoholic. My sobriety date is September 4, 2013.
I grew up in the Cleveland suburbs running around with friends, going on field trips, having sleepovers, going back and forth between my divorced parents’ homes, and following my big sister, wanting to do whatever she and her friends were doing. It sounds like a typical and happy childhood, but what I could not explain to you then was that I always felt like I was on the “outside looking in,” and I never felt like anyone could understand my thoughts or feelings. So, I kept that to myself and did what was expected: getting good grades, playing the clarinet, and trying to be a “good kid.”
I always felt like I was on the “outside looking in,”
In middle school, I found some other kids who seemed to understand the feeling of “otherness,” and we started to explore getting into just enough trouble where the consequences were minimal. I was 11 when I had my first drink that a friend swiped from their dad’s fridge. We shared that can of beer and did not feel the effects, but we acted drunk because that is what we thought you were supposed to do. Still, we kept trying to get the real effect every chance we got. When I was 12 years old, my friends and I started seeking out other forms of alcohol, always looking for some “effect.”
This went on sporadically for a few years, and on my 15th birthday, my mother moved out of state with short notice, and I was sort of “left on my dad’s doorstep.” My dad and stepmom did a wonderful job creating a full-time home for me, enrolling me in a great school within a great community, supporting my love for marching band, getting me signed up for summer softball, and planning for my educational future. They gave me the encouragement and opportunity to go away to college. I did not take a drink from ages 15 to 19 and poured my attention into school and sports. When I was 19 and away at college, I found alcohol and was quickly “off and running.” I hardly drew a sober breath until I was almost 26 years old.
When I was 19 and away at college, I found alcohol and was quickly “off and running.”
On my 26th birthday, I had just arrived at the Jean Marie House, and I was so broken. The series of events that led me there over the course of 6 days was nothing short of a miracle from my Higher Power. I had been struggling for years and just barely maintaining a job, an apartment, and my car. I had let every relationship in my life go, and my physical health was in grave shape. I had been to emergency rooms, psych wards, and jails. The Jean Marie House was a gift that took time for me to see clearly. I did most of the things suggested to me, like getting a sponsor and going to meetings; however, I was not willing to change some behaviors. After 15 months, I relapsed for two days, and when I came to after a blackout, I had over 60 missed calls and texts from family, people in the program, and women from the Jean Marie House. I finally reached my point of surrender.
Something inside of me realized that I had felt utterly alone in life until that day, looking at all of those messages from people worried about me and encouraging me to “come home.” I believe that my Higher Power kept me at the Jean Marie House for those 15 months so that I would learn about the program and what was needed to surrender while keeping me safe from myself until I was ready to really apply the program in my life. I returned from the relapse to the house and began the program again. However, this time, I understood that other people knew more than me, and I really needed to listen and feel my way through life instead of thinking my way out of my consequences. It was painful and it was hard, but it was so worth it. I learned to hear people when they told me how they stayed sober, and I was finally willing to try the things they suggested and do something different since my ideas just kept getting me drunk.
Someone told me early in sobriety that you have to “build a life you’re not willing to give up”
Of course, I did not do everything perfectly, and I still make mistakes to this day. The difference is that I wake up every day willing to do whatever it takes to stay sober and to earn this life I have been given so many “second chances” to live. I go to meetings, I sponsor when asked, and I do my best to keep my hand out to help the newcomer. Someone told me early in sobriety that you have to “build a life you’re not willing to give up,” and I have done that while receiving the blessings of true friendships, becoming a mother, and having a purpose. I have had some of my darkest days in sobriety, but it has all been worth it. Thanks to my Higher Power, the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, and the Jean Marie House, I have not found it necessary to pick up a drink, and I will be forever indebted and grateful for those who came before me.
Thank God for the Jean Marie House and AA.